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Dave, a doctor, slept with one of his patients one day. The next day, Dr. Dave started to feel guilty about what he did the other day, sweating, shivering and just going crazy. Later that day, 2 voices popped up in his head, a good one and a bad one. The good one told him that it's ok to sleep with one of your patients, all doctors do it, doctors have money, so its normal for a doctor to sleep with 1 of his patients. However, the 2nd voice was bad. The 2nd voice said

Dave, your a vet.....
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
dear employees

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

1 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources
 

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There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad.

The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”
The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.”

They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.” :w00t:

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”
 

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There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad.

The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”
The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.”

They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.” :w00t:

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”
TOO funny :001_tt2::001_tt2::001_tt2:
 

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Here's one for ya,

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he is cross-eyed?" "No, because he is really, really heavy."
 

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Found another.

A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."

The little girl goes to her father,
"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you."
"Hm." He answers, takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it.
"OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."

Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, "Where is Susie?"
Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home." :bliss:
 

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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of Labrador puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were three boy Labrador puppies and four girl Labrador puppies."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it is printed on their bottoms. :nunchucks::nunchucks:
 
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